Category Archives: Self doubt

Just F**king Do It!

 

Am I going to let my gang of gremlins keep me cowering in a beige corner or am I going to make some bold choices, paint some walls and get on with life?

It sounds very serious, doesn’t it?

After 23 years of almond and white walled apartment dwelling, I’m now a homeowner.

Before moving in I want it painted. I love the idea of color in every room AND I’m all twisted up about making disastrous choices.

My head is busy. There are a few conversations going on at once. Shall we listen in? Continue reading

Question today, Know tomorrow

 

It’s okay not to know. I didn’t always believe this.

I was tortured by not knowing what my ‘thing’ was. What I was here to do. Tortured is a strong word – so let’s call it a consistent, low-grade fever. I thought that since I was asking the question, an answer ought to be forthcoming.

Watching TV I would kick myself for never getting those head shots. I would watch ER and think maybe I should be a doctor or a nurse and when the credits would roll, I’d think I just wasn’t applying myself. I was working in TV production but I wasn’t an Executive or Senior anything!

If I went to a street fair I’d walk by the crafts and question if I was supposed to be making custom window boxes? Decoupaged light plate covers? Hanging beaded candle-holders?

It was exhausting.

I had two successful careers. To the outside world it looked like I was doing great. But there was something missing. I hadn’t felt like I could really go the distance in either of them because, truthfully, I didn’t care enough. And it made me uncomfortable. Was I being lazy? Not giving it my all in a puritan work ethic kind of way? The answer was always, “No.” So then what was the problem?

I bought the books. “I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What Is Was” – “Live The Life You Love” – “What Color Is Your Parachute?”…you get the picture.

But I never read them.

I would start but it just felt too overwhelming. It nearly always involved index cards. I was supposed to start with something I felt passionate about but didn’t have the guts to go after. Or didn’t think going after was a viable option.

I was screwed.

I didn’t know what my passion was.

Continue reading